The eX-factor

I had dinner with my eX.

Yep, you heard me right. Weird I know. And for those of you who know the two of us it is especially weird.

Ten years after a highly contentious divorce, a consistent littering of acrimonious barbs, terse emails, and putting the children in the middle more than I care to admit, two weeks ago my eX-husband and I briefly embraced and sat down to a friendly meal of wine margarita’s and cheap tasty tacos.

Most, not all, but the vast majority of divorced couples never seem to manage to find a place of peace in each others lives. It is a shame. Being able to communicate with the father of your children on a friendly basis is a godsend.

Children are amazingly resilient, they will “survive” the divorce far more intact and sane than the parents. With the divorce rate in the US steaming past a healthy 50% the stigma of being a child of a broken home is virtually non-existent. So the need for couples to stay together for the children is not necessarily necessary. No one has to be in an unhappy place to placate a youngster. In fact, many adult children of unhappily married parents have said that they wished their parents had split up. With that said what divorced parents should strive for is to find a happy place apart. It will make a world of difference to your offspring.

I am not here to tell you that my eX and I are the poster children for this philosophy. FAR FROM IT. But I do believe it is never too late to embrace a kinder, gentler post-divorce relationship. In the last 8 to 10 months, as he and I mellowed to each others presence, there has been an audible sigh of relief from our two daughters. It is a reprieve from the constant tension of parental non-communication. For the two of us to come together for some one on one time gave our girls a deep sense of calm. It is in no way an indicator for a reconciliation and I know for a fact that is not in the back of their minds, but it does allow our children a sense of freedom to openly discuss what goes on in their lives in each household and with each parent.

For us, the mom and dad, it also brings a sense of calm in our lives.  There is an ease and friendly rhythm to our mutual existence. As difficult as it may seem, especially at the beginning of a divorce situation, a conciliatory ex-relationship is an absolutely worthy goal in ones life to achieve. Happy and content is the only place to be and if you harbor feelings of anger and resentment towards an ex-spouse it will only eat away at your core and cause upset and illness.

How can one find this place of peace? Forgive and forget. Trust me there were plenty of horrible accusations and dirty underhanded manipulations on both sides of my divorce equation. Even now there are things that go on that I don’t understand, but I cannot continue to resent. The pain is not worth it. I am blessed with the ability to block out the bad and move on to the bright. It is a gift. But if your brain doesn’t work that way, there is a solution. Keep a divorce diary. Write down every single hurtful, hateful, ugly detail you can remember. Put the book away and let go of everything on the pages. When you are truly ready to move on, burn the book.  Then pick up the phone and take the first step toward a new kind of ex-relationship. You will find that when you can speak to your ex with civility the hate will melt away.  You will never have the same kind of relationship you did as a married couple. Thank goodness, right, but you will find a very different kind of friendship will blossom.

Do you have your own eX success story? I want to hear about it.

Questions about how to deal with your ex? write me or my eX. He’s promised to become a regular contributor.