Take a look at the three most significant occurrences in your life that forever changed the path of who you ultimately became. These life altering events happen when we are a young child, a young adult and in adulthood.

My first life changer happened when I was two years old. One morning my birth father got up out of bed, packed up his golf clubs and moved out of our house leaving my mom with two young children and a weighty house payment. He never returned to be a part of our lives.

The second life changer happened around twelve years old. I believed to my core that people of substance only ate dinner after 6pm. I felt I was making the supreme sacrifice to eat a nanosecond before 5pm and would staunchly sit at the table without putting a bite of food in my mouth until the clock hit 5! It was at that moment in time I vowed to myself, that when I grew up I would be someone, someone important, someone with a real job, I would be a person who ate dinner at the sophisticated hour of 6p.

My final defining moment in my life came with the realization that my 12 year marriage was to be no more.

Can you name your three life changers and how they altered the course of your history?

We’re joking. My teenage daughter and I do not pound down drinks together, though we are behind a bar. What she has in her hand is a water bottle.

What is not a joke are the stats on teens and alcohol. It is by far the most used and abused drug among America’s teenagers.  According to a national survey reported by the Soundvision Foundationhttp://www.soundvision.com/Info/teens/stat.asp

nearly one third (31.5%) of all high school students reported hazardous drinking (5+ drinks in one setting) during the 30 days preceding the survey. They will spend $5.5 billion on alcohol which is more than they spend on soft drinks, tea, milk, juice, coffee or books combined. And sadly, Alcohol is the leading cause of death amongst teens.

Lets face it, no matter how much we parents deny it teen drinking is a fact and it’s not going away. It is how you handle the subject when talking to your kid that can lead to a good or bad decision.

Here are some important facts to discuss with your child.

1. Your teen needs to know the consequences of drinking alcohol. Not just the legal ramifications, the social, physical and personal consequences. They should know what it looks like to be drunk, how you sound to others and how ridiculous it looks. They need to know how it alters their mind, their judgment and possible rational decision-making abilities. As a mother of teen girls this fact here is a startling fact. Sixty percent of college women diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease were drunk at the time of infection. (Advocacy Institute, 1992)

2. I also like to tell teen girls how drinking affects ones appearance. It may seem surfacey and unimportant but that appearance is a big deal to teens and I like to use all the relatable ammunition. Blood shot eyes; a puffy face and extra weight from empty calories are some of the ugly results of drinking.  And every girl should know that an alcohol diet is not a good way to lose weight. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Ask your teen. It’s currently a very trendy weight loss technique.

3. Let your teens know what your expectation is about alcohol use. There should be strict enforcement about not having a drinking party in your family home. The down line affects of this uninformed decision can and will impact your child and you. Not only will your child get in trouble for serving alcohol to underage teens, as the responsible adult and homeowner whether you were in your home at the time of the party or not, you can be prosecuted, arrested and jailed.

4.  Everyone needs to monitor drinking and driving, not just your teen. An automobile is a weapon and driving drunk is tantamount to wielding a gun. No person, teen or otherwise, should get behind the wheel of an automobile with a blood alcohol level above .08. Make it clear that drinking and driving or riding with someone who has been drinking will not be tolerated. Ask your teen to call for a ride, take a cab, or call for permission to stay overnight if he or she or a friend who is driving has been drinking. This does not give teens permission to drink; it tells them that their safety is most important.

5. Frequently express how you feel about underage drinking. However, do not lecture or threaten your teen about alcohol use. These conversations should be sobering (no pun intended) and impactful. No need to threaten or punish just present the real and factual possibly even frightening. Nothing is more effective than stone cold reality. For example, approximately 240,000 to 360,000 of the nation’s 12 million current undergraduates will ultimately die from alcohol-related causes–more than the number that will get MAs and PhDs combined. (Eigen, 1991 in the 1998 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse).
6. Talk with your teen about ways to handle pressure from friends to drink. Teach your teen how to say “no” and to suggest doing something different (safe). To feel comfortable talking openly with you, your teen needs to know that you will not punish him or her for being honest.

7. If you can help your teens develop outside interests. Encourage him or her to join a club, become a volunteer, get a part-time job, or become involved in sports it takes them out of the realm of alcoholic related activities.

8. When your teen wants to talk about alcohol, listen to his or her opinions, help him or her make good decisions, and treat him or her with respect.

9. Get to know the kids your teens hang out with at school. These peers will be a huge influence on their entire high school career. Know where they hang out and what they are doing. If it’s not the right crowd encourage your kids to find a different more like-minded group. Encourage them to get involved in school activities that will inherently draw them to a new group of kids.

10. Do not serve alcohol to your teen unless it is for a religious or appropriate occasion.  Lock your liquor cabinet if you feel you must. Kids should not feel that alcohol is a complete taboo. We all know what happens when you absolutely restrict an activity. It becomes just what someone will want to do. There are times when alcohol in moderation is acceptable. Mirroring this behavior for your teen is a positive.

11. Be a role model. If you drink, do so responsibly. Never drink and drive! Do not use alcohol as a way to cope with stress, depression, or anger. Alcohol can only make problems worse in the long run. If you have a drinking problem, or think you may have one, help is available. Talk to a health care professional or seek help.

So here’s the set-up, your teenager has told you that her friend is having a party at her house. There is going to be boys, music, frolic, oh ya…alcohol and no parental supervision. They’re out of town. You know the parents. Do you call them to let them know what’s going on??

Think about it. I’m betting your immediate response is — make the call! Why even waste a minute considering any other option. But I would like you to pause for a second and mull this one over.

If you call these parents they may not believe you. You will lose a friendship, upset the family and your child will lose a friend. On the other hand if they don’t know and the party takes place, even if they are out of town they are responsible for any underage drinking at their house.  If anything goes wrong with any of the kids at the party the adults will get nailed with a lawsuit or worse jail time for serving alcohol to minors. If that happens and you knew about the party but kept it to yourself – that’s a serious lifetime of guilt. Finally, you could call the authorities and tip them off to the situation, but that’s not the best option either. Eventually all fingers will point back to you as the “narc” and your child will hate you for the rest of her living days. Or at least until she’s a parent. And more than that you have betrayed your teen’s trust, which oftentimes is the most damaging fallout of all.

I had this very situation happen to me. I considered all the options, even asked other parent’s to weigh in on the dilemma. In the final analysis I decided that my job is to protect my child first and foremost. The only way I can do that is if my child trusts me 100%. What my teen tells me in confidence must be held in confidence. I never want her to think she can’t share anything and everything without a judgment or punishment.  I need to be able to guide her in making the right decisions when precarious situations arise. And that is exactly what I did.

My daughter and I talked through the pluses and minuses of attending the party. The fun she would have being with her friends. The fact that it was a new group of people and she really wanted to fit in. We also discussed the negatives, like if the cops showed up, parents came home, a kid got sick or out of control.  We also agreed that under no uncertain terms if she decided to attend this party, was anyone to get behind the wheel of a car with one ounce of liquor in their bodies. Certainly not my child. I wanted her to make sure there would be a DD (designated driver) and I wanted to know who that was, what time I could expect her home, and I got all of her friends cell numbers. (I didn’t say anything about potentially embarrassing my daughter). If I need to feel comfortable that she is safe, I’ll call all her friends. I decided not to call the other parents because it is not my job to parent their children. They need to know their kids and have their own conversations and relationship.

In the end my daughter did go to the party, but none of her friends volunteered to be the DD. She ended up in that role. This ultimately allowed her to see how ridiculous people behave when they’ve had too much to drink and experienced first hand that babysitting barfing friends is no fun.

She stayed away from the heavy drinking parties after that experience. She even found a new group of friends, girls who were more studious and athletic. She realized on her own that the drinking party life is not as “sexy” as it appears. I didn’t have to fight with her, punish her, or argue with my child. It was a solid choice and one she could live with because it was a choice she made for herself.

Are you a parent of a teenager? Are you aware of this insane trend called sexting? For those of you who don’t know, sexting is when a kid takes a flirtatious, nude or semi-nude picture of them self and sends it to others through their cell phone or other means of texting device. You also must know that sexting is an illegal activity with a heinous penalty that will haunt your teen for the rest of his/her life. No matter how uncomfortable this might seem it is a subject you must discuss with your child.

If you think your teen is not sexter or doesn’t know about sexting I am telling you now you are dead wrong. In a survey almost 40% of all teens have posted sexually suggestive messages, 37% are teen girls and 40% are teen boys. Of those, sixty-six percent of teen girls and 60% of teen boys say they did so to be “fun or flirtatious.” They think it’s innocent fun; but it’s not. Kids are sexting to people they barely know, people they meet online, to boyfriends and girlfriends or others they want to “hook up” with. Sexting can ruin a teenager’s reputation at school and in the community. More serious your teenager can be arrested for distributing child pornography. THEY WILL BE LISTED AS A SEXUAL PREDATOR FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. This is no joke.

I was discussing the topic with my 15 ½ year old daughter the other day on our way home from high school. I made sure at a very young age that my daughter felt secure that no topic is taboo. For me, I want to know what is going on in her life, so I can protect her. For her, I believe the freedom to confide in her mother is a safe haven, a place not to be judged, but protected.

I wanted to know how prevalent sexting was at her school. I also wanted to make sure that she knew how dangerous it was and the serious criminal consequences. She confidently told me that she knows what sexting is and she knows the act comes with legal penalties. She told me there are two girls at school who are both known by all the other kids as sexters, the boyfriends they sent their pictures to then distributed them to the student body. Those girls’ reputations are marred for life, and so are the boys who forwarded the sexts. When either the girls or the boys who participated in the crime pass by a group of kids the others all point and comment, “that’s the sexter”.

What made me most proud, as a mom, was my own child’s point of view on the matter. She said, “Mom, I don’t trust technology. Why would anyone send anything so personal on any electronic device? If I was going to share something so special, which I’m not! (Phew, off the hook there – right) why would I do that on a cell phone? If I were going to share something that private I would do that in person when it’s more intimate and meaningful! Bravo my child, I love her sensibility.

I feel confident that because we openly discuss all topics, the easy ones and the highly charged ones too, my teenage child is equipped with the right sense of self to make the right choices for her future.

That’s my oldest daughter with her arms wrapped around our nanny, housekeeper, babysitter, caretaker, confidante, other mother, and soul sister. Gloria has been a part of our family since my daughter was two years old. Rachele will tell you that she chose Gloria to be a part of our family, but I’m convinced it was divine intervention. With my two year old in tow, I went to an office in a seedy section of mid-town LA, where a very busy Latina woman ran a highly successful placement agency for other Latina’s. There was a line up of 5 prospects, my then toddler walked over to Gloria and handed her her bottle, it was a fait a complete, we drove Gloria home with us. Her English wasn’t that good at the time and her immigration status was questionable but 17 years later this devoted, amazing and beautiful woman is deeply embedded into the fabric of our family. No longer our nanny, my children are teenagers, Gloria is my 90 year old mother’s caretaker.

She is from Leon in Mexico, born to a large Hispanic family and raised in a poor area of the city. Like many other Latin Americans, as well as a myriad of other foreigners from all over the world, she came to the United States at 16 years old to make a better life for herself and ultimately for her two daughters. She has worked very hard her entire life, caring for our family, cleaning houses, catering events, basically doing whatever she can, as a single mom, to support her family. Over the years she learned to drive, speak fluent English, she pays for all her medical expenses, makes her annual pilgrimage to the mailbox April 15 and four years ago purchased her own home becoming a real estate tax paying resident just like the rest of us.

So why can’t this woman get her citizenship?

She has been paying lawyers and showing up in court for years now. Every appeal gets capriciously denied. There are US citizens born and raised in this country who have contributed far less to this current society and economy than Gloria. She has never taken a free ride on our dime, abused the system like so many others or participated in any kind of criminal activity. Give this woman, and all the other worthy immigrants living and working in this country, A BREAK.  There was a movie that opened in 2004 called “A Day Without Mexicans”, though less than critically acclaimed the title says it all. If for one day California had to exist without one single Mexican working that day…well it wouldn’t. There would be a business meltdown tantamount to the fall of the twin towers. Can you imagine if all the housekeepers, nannies, gardeners, construction workers, busboys, dishwashers, fruit pickers, janitors, I’m sure I’m missing a few other tasks Mexicans do that the rest of us won’t, didn’t show up! Our state would be at a virtual standstill.

With all that Latin American’s contribute to the absolute functioning of this country, why are they being treated differently than every other immigrant who came to this country before them? Isn’t this entire country made up of immigrants and descendants of immigrants? Even the Native Americans weren’t born here; they crossed the Bering Strait on a relocation mission from Asia. My father was an immigrant who landed here in 1962; he became a US citizen almost immediately following his emigration. Was it just simpler for him because he was White and European?

I say if you work hard, don’t abuse the system, are not a criminal and most importantly make a financial contribution to the betterment of this country than you are worthy of US citizenship. Make these people street legal! That is what the United States is supposed to be about. Let’s live up to our constitution, stand by our morals and be guided by our conscience.

Okay, ready for some more age defying surprises! Those of us who are conscientious, in other words diligent, hard-working, responsible and self-disciplined live longer. Not only because we are less likely to adopt risky behaviors, like smoking, but we also evade dementia. And not just by a little but a lot, 89% to be exact.

Living in a pedestrian friendly neighborhood increases our lifespan by a decade and lowers a woman’s risk of obesity by about eight percent. Walking, jogging, riding a bike all add to a healthy dose of physical activity and increased life expectancy.

How about another cup of joe! A few cups of coffee a day for a gen joneser can decrease our risk of Alzheimer’s. Drinking three to five cups a day lowers the risk of dementia by 65% over those that drank fewer than two cups a day. The research done at the University of Kuopio in Finland found that caffeine reduces plaque formation in the brain. Sorry crew, decaf doesn’t have the same effect though it does have some good antioxidants.

Add some spice to your life. Researchers tested 24 common herbs and spices and found high amounts of compounds that may stop the inflammatory damage caused by elevated blood sugar levels. The heavy favorites are cinnamon, thyme, Italian seasonings and cloves. “The active compounds in these herbs and spices have the potential to reduce the inflammation that contributes to nearly every human disease” says the study’s co-author, James Hargrove, PhD. That’s EVERY HUMAN DISEASE people…so in this case it’s safe to say “Spice is the variety of added life!”

Finally my favorite lesson to living longer, surround yourself with happy people. Scientists have found that happy people live longer because their good spirits protect them from illness. The added bonus, happiness is contagious, you can catch it from the people around you. Choose your friends by the smiles they keep on their face.

Some other living longer fun facts:

Asian American women live the longest of any ethnic group with a life expectancy of  91 years.

Firstborns are twice as likely to reach 100 years old than their younger sibs.

January babies live two percent longer than their sisters born in June.

Women with hips wider than 41 inches outlive their smaller counterparts with similar BMI. Isn’t that an unexpected blessing!

Better sleepers outlive their nocturnal counterparts by 17 percent.

Those of us who pray together stay together — much much longer than the rest.

Mom fell down. My 90-year-old mother was just getting back on her feet again after a horrendous bout with shingles. Ugly nasty disease. (If you are over 60 years old I highly recommend the Zoster vaccine). In any event, mom was down for the count, four months on her back and depressed. I thought for sure I was going to lose her. With time the infection subsided, the healing was slow but steady and by February she was on her feet again.  For six weeks she was runnin around like a crazy woman, buying/returning/and buying again – her favorite sport. Then last Saturday she slipped and fell, breaking her arm and fracturing her pelvis. Once again this amazingly spry senior is down for the count and dreadfully sad.

As mother’s day approaches my thoughts turn to what this day means for me and what it means to my mom. As a single mother with no significant other, I inevitably fall into the role of organizer for the day. In all honesty, as a woman squarely in the center of the sandwich generation, I can’t remember a Mother’s day since I gave birth to my first daughter that has been about me. It used to bother me. A LOT.

Not so much anymore. Now I feel that with every day I have MY mom in my life is a gift. I have discovered in the last few years that Mother’s day is truly for the matriarch of the family. The one who unconditionally has spent a lifetime giving us all so much. This woman birthed me, bathed me, fed me, loved me, taught me, laughed with me, listened to me, wiped my tears and my tush. How do I make this coming Sunday a joyful day for her?

TIME.

Time is our most precious gift. It is the one thing we can give to another person that is truly priceless and irreplaceable. And so this Mother’s Day will be all about my mom. It is her day for the entire fem clan to gather around. We will allow her the time to share all her stories that would otherwise be dismissed because we don’t have the time. It is her turn to choose her favorite bedside meal because it is her day to be waited on hand and foot. I want her to know with absolute certainty that this day is her day to shine. It is her TIME to be surrounded by all that she loves and all those that love her.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

Four times a year my youngest daughter gets very excited with the anticipation of attending her out of town weekend teen retreat. All the kids look forward to it really. There’s a buzz that begins a week before the Friday they get to cut out of school early. It’s a chance for them to bond with other like-minded teens from all across the county, be away from the watchful eye of their parents, hang out and generally stay up all night to gossip. So it came as no surprise that when one of my daughters friends was not going to be able go because her mother could not drop her at the bus stop the child went into a frenzy of texting to find a way to get there.

The girl asked my daughter and my daughter asked me. As the details unfolded it became clear that the child’s parents were going to be out of town the day before the retreat so the girl needed a place to stay the night before the getaway in addition to a ride to the bus stop. No problem. I  know how important these events are to kids. I remember how much fun I had on these kinds of excursions. They are memories that last a lifetime. In any event, I thought if I can help this girl out, why not. It’d be my pleasure. But I’ve never met this girl nor did I know her parents, so I told my daughter I needed to speak to the girls mom.

That’s when it got interesting.

I got on the phone with this woman and she immediately launched into a litany of requests. Funny, I didn’t hear a thankful preamble to any of the following demands. “You live in Long Beach and we’re in Yorba Linda. Would it be possible for you to pick up my daughter… say in Newport Beach? Or how about the John Wayne Airport? I’m leaving to go on a trip from that airport so that would be the easiest.” (fyi, that’s about a half hour to 45 minute trip for me each way)

EXCUSE ME. Did I hear this woman right???

Little reminder:  I don’t know this woman and I don’t know her kid. I am doing her a favor by letting her daughter stay at my house and now she wants me to make it convenient for her by picking her child up at her drop off point.

HUH?? But that’s not all.

I told her that that would be impossible because I was not going to be in the OC on Thursday eve. “Well,” she said a tad annoyed, “is there someone else in your house that is of driving age?”

Are you kidding me!!!!!!

Now she wants me to find a way to pick up her kid. She wants me to take on her parenting responsibility. Is she out of her freakin’ mind! Again, let me remind all of you I DO NOT know this woman, I have never met her in my life and I do not know the child. Though I do not blame the child for her mother’s selfish behavior. She had no choice in the matter. “No, I don’t have another person who drives in my household available on Thursday”, I replied. Now more bent, this woman responds exasperatedly, “Well, okay than we’ll just have to figure out what we can do”. You do that…I thought.

I got off the phone. Looked at my child and said, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but if your friend can find a way to our house I’m happy to help out. If not. I don’t think she is going to be able to go on the weekend.”

I don’t often run into parents like this woman, but I feel very strongly about this kind of behavior. If you decide to become a parent, your child/children are your number one priority. If you can not or do not want to make them a priority in your life, if you cannot see your way to adapting your schedule for your children’s needs then don’t have children!

I wish I could say there was a fitness prescription to fix this kind of bad behavior, but unfortunately there is not. This can only be repaired with a heaping dose of better parenting skills and perhaps a lesson in respectful consideration.

P.S. The woman figured out her driving dilemma, the girl came to stay at our house, she was adorable and delightful and she got to go on the weekend trip. There was a Happy Ending.

To clarify a bit about this vitally important food group, everybody needs protein.  It is the stuff that builds and repairs muscles, it makes hair and skin, fights infection and carries oxygen to the blood.   Proteins are made up of amino acids, about twenty of them which your own body produces. But  there are nine you can only get from the foods you eat. Can’t really live without a healthy daily dose of this basic food group.

For most teens between the ages of 15 and 19, 45 to 70 grams of protein are needed to sustain good health. The way to figure this out is to divide your teens weight by 2.2 to determine kg and then multiply by  1.1 to 1.3 gm/kg body weight. For example, an 18 year old girl who weighs 120 lbs would need between 60 to 70  grams of protein (120/2.2=55. 55kg x 1.1 to 1.3 grams of protein per kg = 60 to 71 grams of protein per day)

With this in mind I turned to my dietitian guru, Susan Dopart, www.susandopart.com, to weigh in on my daughters protein bar question. Susan is a real back to basics kind of nutritionist, she believes we should all be eating 100% real deal foods instead of the fake and fabricated kind. Products that contain ingredients that we cannot pronounce shouldn’t be on our list of foods to include in our daily diets. Especially not for growing and maturing teen bodies. She explained that most protein bars are full of fabricated foodstuffs. They have loads of ingredients I know I can’t say without stumbling through it. There are a few however that Susan finds acceptable, which included Lara Bars since it is only made of 2-3 ingredients. Her favorite flavors are Peanut Butter and Jelly and Carrot Cake. She also recommended Kind Bars with the Nut and Fruit bar having the best ingredients.

It’s also important to keep in mind that there has to be balance in the food you eat and too much of anything isn’t good for you, including protein. If your teen decides to dive into the protein bar world you/she will need to keep an eye on how much protein she’s consuming. The majority of protein bars contain between 25 to 35 grams of protein per serving which is about a daily serving, too much for just a snack or even one meal replacement.  If your kid is thinking that her body can store the protein for later, she’d be wrong. Instead the extra protein gets stored as fat. Which is exactly the opposite affect I’m sure she is hoping to accomplish with all that great gym time she’s just put in. Certainly true for my girl.  So unless your teen is in training for an Olympic event or is a serious athlete burning thousands of calories at one sport practice, protein bars are not the best option.  If your teen is like mine and not a fan of traditional protein sources try some healthy fruit and nut snack mix, nut butter sandwiches, cottage cheese on whole wheat english muffin or mixed with bowtie noodles. We sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon on the cheese and pasta mixture and it taste like a delicious noodle pudding. Nuts (watch the fat content though)  and cottage cheese are packed with protein. If she just must experiment with the protein bar, have her try half a portion following a workout session to help rebuild the exercised muscles.

Of course the best source of protein is meat, poultry and fish.

Below is a quick and easy ounce for ounce protein gram guide to follow.

Tuna (3 ounces)    22

Hamburger (3 ounces)   21

Chicken (3 ounces)   21

Shrimp (3 ounces)  18

Tempeh (½ cup)  15

Yogurt (1 cup)   11

Tofu (½ cup)   9

Lentils, cooked (½ cup)   9

Cow’s milk (1 cup)  8

Peanut butter (2 tbsp)   8

Kidney beans, cooked (½ cup)  8

Cheese (1 ounce)   7

Egg, cooked (3 ounces)   7

Soy milk (1 cup)  6

Hummus (1/3 cup)   6

Miso (2 tbsp)   4

Quinoa (½ cup)  4

Bulgur, kasha, oats, cooked (½ cup) 3

Most of the conversations are very typical teen stuff, but sometimes what the girls share is surprising! Last week for example, I was having a lively conversation with my 14-year old daughter. They were excitedly discussing all the details for summer camp. They talked about what to pack, who they would be bunking with and of course, all the cute boys. The conversation then turned to one boy in particular who texted a picture of his penis. She said he went into great detail bragging about his size when he’s erect and what he wanted to do with it, etc. I was shocked! I had no idea that this type of communication was going on.  I wondered if this activity was unique to this kid or if other teens were sharing these kind of intimate photos. I wondered how this child’s mom would react if she knew about the pictures and how the boys parents would react if they knew. I wanted to understand all the ramifications so I could address this behavior with my own daughter.

I decided to do some research. What I found was that these sexually charged messages are in actuality very commonplace amongst young teens; it’s called “sexting”. In fact, twenty percent of American teens say they have participated in some form of sexting.  Professor Peter Cumming of York University in Toronto claims that sexting is a means of communicating romantic interest, it’s the new age “spin the bottle.” But I believe the majority of teens and their parents are not aware that this teen activity has far reaching consequences that go beyond an innocent parlor game.

Currently fourteen states consider sexting as distribution of child pornography, which is a criminal offense. Teenagers are being arrested, jailed and tagged. In Florida for example, if a person is convicted of a crime against children it automatically triggers registration as a sex offender and juveniles are not immune.  Thirty-eight states include juvenile sex offenders in their registries and most states allow public access to these registries via the internet.  This seemingly innocent “flirtation” is currently considered a sexual offense and if your teen is convicted of this crime he or she will be listed on a registry and stigmatized for life!

Having your child listed as a sex offender is bad, but it’s only one of the serious issues to consider in this new teen craze.

The more pressing and immediate concern, especially for volatile maturing teens, is the personal side of sexting.  Last year a girl in Ohio hanged herself after her boyfriend sent her nude pictures, intended only for him, to several other teens. She was teased and ridiculed to such an extent she didn’t feel like she could face her friends anymore. Teens need to know the consequences of sexting, not only because of the criminal aspects, but for the social ramifications as well.

Broaching the subject with your teenager may be awkward but it is critical. The best approach is to bring up the topic conversationally. As in “did you know?” or “have you heard?” Once the topic is open for discussion you need to find out if your teen has engaged in sexting, either receiving or sending pictures. If they haven’t then they are in the clear. But you need to warn your kids about the real dangers of sexting. It can hurt their friends and more importantly they can hurt themselves.  It can be detrimental to their future at school and beyond. Teens need to understand that once a digital photo is on the internet or in the ethers they can be copied, downloaded and distributed. You can’t take the pictures back. They do not want everyone…and that means everyone seeing them exposed.  Inevitably someone they don’t want to see the pictures is going to get a hold of them. Give them a concrete example like a kid at school that has been teasing them or their math teacher or worse yet their principal. It is not a “pretty” picture.

If your teen has received pictures they must be instructed not to forward them to anyone, it is a criminal activity and it is mean.  The best course of action is to delete them. They also need to instruct the teen who sent them his or her picture to stop. If your child is sending or has posted naked or suggestive pictures of themselves there is a way to protect the photo’s from being copied and downloaded, but it is better to delete them altogether. Once they have been posted it is virtually impossible to track those people who may have downloaded them.

Teens need to know that sexting is not an innocent flirtation, it is criminal, hurtful and can be permanently damaging. It is too easy for one friend to send a picture to another friend and a reputation is ruined. Thirteen to eighteen is a fragile state in child development, they are so insecure about their appearance and bodies already, opening themselves to a world of potential teasing and criticism can be devastating. All this potential pain can be prevented if you communicate the ramifications of sexting in a constructive way. No punishment or pain. Sharing clear examples of how sexting can go wrong is all any teen needs to understand why this behavior is not healthy.

Talk to your teens today.