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Over the years I have had some pretty amazing conversations with my daughters. We talk about anything and everything.  Like I know who the designated driver for the evening, yes I am fully aware there is underage drinking. I find out exactly what’s happening at school, who’s talking smack about who, I know where the cool weekend parties are, and I know about the girls sexual dalliances – a lot happens in high school. They are free flowing, no topic taboo, and righteously open communications.  My daughters and their friends, for that matter, know that no one gets in trouble at my house for being open, honest and speaking their mind. I get more insight into their lives this way and can better guide them on the right path without being an overbearing typical teenage parent.

Most of the conversations are very typical teen stuff, but sometimes what the girls share is surprising! Last week for example, I was having a lively conversation with my 14-year old daughter. They were excitedly discussing all the details for summer camp. They talked about what to pack, who they would be bunking with and of course, all the cute boys. The conversation then turned to one boy in particular who texted a picture of his penis. She said he went into great detail bragging about his size when he’s erect and what he wanted to do with it, etc. I was shocked! I had no idea that this type of communication was going on.  I wondered if this activity was unique to this kid or if other teens were sharing these kind of intimate photos. I wondered how this child’s mom would react if she knew about the pictures and how the boys parents would react if they knew. I wanted to understand all the ramifications so I could address this behavior with my own daughter.

I decided to do some research. What I found was that these sexually charged messages are in actuality very commonplace amongst young teens; it’s called “sexting”. In fact, twenty percent of American teens say they have participated in some form of sexting.  Professor Peter Cumming of York University in Toronto claims that sexting is a means of communicating romantic interest, it’s the new age “spin the bottle.” But I believe the majority of teens and their parents are not aware that this teen activity has far reaching consequences that go beyond an innocent parlor game.

Currently fourteen states consider sexting as distribution of child pornography, which is a criminal offense. Teenagers are being arrested, jailed and tagged. In Florida for example, if a person is convicted of a crime against children it automatically triggers registration as a sex offender and juveniles are not immune.  Thirty-eight states include juvenile sex offenders in their registries and most states allow public access to these registries via the internet.  This seemingly innocent “flirtation” is currently considered a sexual offense and if your teen is convicted of this crime he or she will be listed on a registry and stigmatized for life!

Having your child listed as a sex offender is bad, but it’s only one of the serious issues to consider in this new teen craze.

The more pressing and immediate concern, especially for volatile maturing teens, is the personal side of sexting.  Last year a girl in Ohio hanged herself after her boyfriend sent her nude pictures, intended only for him, to several other teens. She was teased and ridiculed to such an extent she didn’t feel like she could face her friends anymore. Teens need to know the consequences of sexting, not only because of the criminal aspects, but for the social ramifications as well.

Broaching the subject with your teenager may be awkward but it is critical. The best approach is to bring up the topic conversationally. As in “did you know?” or “have you heard?” Once the topic is open for discussion you need to find out if your teen has engaged in sexting, either receiving or sending pictures. If they haven’t then they are in the clear. But you need to warn your kids about the real dangers of sexting. It can hurt their friends and more importantly they can hurt themselves.  It can be detrimental to their future at school and beyond. Teens need to understand that once a digital photo is on the internet or in the ethers they can be copied, downloaded and distributed. You can’t take the pictures back. They do not want everyone…and that means everyone seeing them exposed.  Inevitably someone they don’t want to see the pictures is going to get a hold of them. Give them a concrete example like a kid at school that has been teasing them or their math teacher or worse yet their principal. It is not a “pretty” picture.

If your teen has received pictures they must be instructed not to forward them to anyone, it is a criminal activity and it is mean.  The best course of action is to delete them. They also need to instruct the teen who sent them his or her picture to stop. If your child is sending or has posted naked or suggestive pictures of themselves there is a way to protect the photo’s from being copied and downloaded, but it is better to delete them altogether. Once they have been posted it is virtually impossible to track those people who may have downloaded them.

Teens need to know that sexting is not an innocent flirtation, it is criminal, hurtful and can be permanently damaging. It is too easy for one friend to send a picture to another friend and a reputation is ruined. Thirteen to eighteen is a fragile state in child development, they are so insecure about their appearance and bodies already, opening themselves to a world of potential teasing and criticism can be devastating. All this potential pain can be prevented if you communicate the ramifications of sexting in a constructive way. No punishment or pain. Sharing clear examples of how sexting can go wrong is all any teen needs to understand why this behavior is not healthy.

Talk to your teens today.