So here’s the set-up, your teenager has told you that her friend is having a party at her house. There is going to be boys, music, frolic, oh ya…alcohol and no parental supervision. They’re out of town. You know the parents. Do you call them to let them know what’s going on??
Think about it. I’m betting your immediate response is — make the call! Why even waste a minute considering any other option. But I would like you to pause for a second and mull this one over.
If you call these parents they may not believe you. You will lose a friendship, upset the family and your child will lose a friend. On the other hand if they don’t know and the party takes place, even if they are out of town they are responsible for any underage drinking at their house. If anything goes wrong with any of the kids at the party the adults will get nailed with a lawsuit or worse jail time for serving alcohol to minors. If that happens and you knew about the party but kept it to yourself – that’s a serious lifetime of guilt. Finally, you could call the authorities and tip them off to the situation, but that’s not the best option either. Eventually all fingers will point back to you as the “narc” and your child will hate you for the rest of her living days. Or at least until she’s a parent. And more than that you have betrayed your teen’s trust, which oftentimes is the most damaging fallout of all.
I had this very situation happen to me. I considered all the options, even asked other parent’s to weigh in on the dilemma. In the final analysis I decided that my job is to protect my child first and foremost. The only way I can do that is if my child trusts me 100%. What my teen tells me in confidence must be held in confidence. I never want her to think she can’t share anything and everything without a judgment or punishment. I need to be able to guide her in making the right decisions when precarious situations arise. And that is exactly what I did.
My daughter and I talked through the pluses and minuses of attending the party. The fun she would have being with her friends. The fact that it was a new group of people and she really wanted to fit in. We also discussed the negatives, like if the cops showed up, parents came home, a kid got sick or out of control. We also agreed that under no uncertain terms if she decided to attend this party, was anyone to get behind the wheel of a car with one ounce of liquor in their bodies. Certainly not my child. I wanted her to make sure there would be a DD (designated driver) and I wanted to know who that was, what time I could expect her home, and I got all of her friends cell numbers. (I didn’t say anything about potentially embarrassing my daughter). If I need to feel comfortable that she is safe, I’ll call all her friends. I decided not to call the other parents because it is not my job to parent their children. They need to know their kids and have their own conversations and relationship.
In the end my daughter did go to the party, but none of her friends volunteered to be the DD. She ended up in that role. This ultimately allowed her to see how ridiculous people behave when they’ve had too much to drink and experienced first hand that babysitting barfing friends is no fun.
She stayed away from the heavy drinking parties after that experience. She even found a new group of friends, girls who were more studious and athletic. She realized on her own that the drinking party life is not as “sexy” as it appears. I didn’t have to fight with her, punish her, or argue with my child. It was a solid choice and one she could live with because it was a choice she made for herself.
Decision-making, a skill needed by children and adults. Kerri emphasized the choice that a parent needs to make. Control or Trust. As a parent, it is your responsibility to provide two key developmental points for their child, Roots and Wings. You can provide tradition, values, role-modeling, and be a resource for your child to turn to for insights. You also have to believe in your lessons that you have taught, the behaviors that you display, and the problem-solving skills to manage their lives.
As Confucious saud (please excuse the gender preference), Catch a man a fish, he has food for a night. Teach a man to fish, he has food for life.
You need to be establishing open lines of communication with your child as early as possible. Prior to this specific situation, you can discover how your child coped with pressure by her peers. How they make choices that take into consideration both the reqards and consequences for their actions.
Your child’s ability to display healthy decision-making is fostered well before the demands of peer pressure. Your child’s self-esteem and long-term goals will invariably impact their choices. An ounce of prevention.
Kerri, keep us up to date on the latest of life’s challenges and we will all be thankful.
Excellent article, Kerri, sounds like I have much to anticipate with my 7 and 9 yr. olds….
I disagree. This Memorial Day Weekend there was a huge “Rave” in South San Francisco @ the Cow Palace. Aprox 5,000 teenagers attended. Ecstacy was bought & sold. So far 10 OD’s reported…
1 Death, 2 coma’s, 3 still critical, 4 still hospitalized but recovering.
The father of the boy who died didn’t get to see his son before he died. His “friends” had emptied his pockets..no ID. They didn’t want the boy to get “busted” with “E” on him.The ER didn’t know what he had ingested, & couldn’t notify his family.. they couldn’t revive him, so he died alone. My point is So you lose a friend, or piss off a teenager…you might just save a life! Teenagers are ill-equipped to handle such emergencies! Let’s not forget the raging hormone issues…no parents could equal pregnancy too! Kids will have plenty of time after turning 18 to police themselves..
It all sounds great. Just a few headaches and vomiting.
But what if your daughter had been arrested when the police arrived at this illegal party or the house was badly damged by drunken teenagers or one of her friends binged and died. What would you say to the parents who didn’t get lucky?
Pretty easy to take away a positive lesson when nothing horrible happened.
What it seems like is you took a very big risk and got lucky. If you felt strongly about this, why not sponsor a party where you could supervise the drinking and provide some safety to very risky behavior. I say shame on you for breaking the law and “trusting” your daughter to do something stupid.
No question. You call the parents. Some day your kid may get behind that wheel after just a couple of beers or get into a car with someone who had just a couple of beers and thats a decision you would wish you would have had back forever. It’s just a party
My friend referred me to your blog, so I thought I’d come have a read. Very interesting material, will be back for more!