He said she Heard

A wise person once told me that if you have an unspoken expectation of your man you can only be disappointed when he doesn’t live up to that standard.  If, on the other hand, you talk and more importantly listen to each other’s true desires and can accept each other’s terms unconditionally then you will always be filled with gratitude for the shared time together. But do we women really hear what our men are saying or do we let our minds play tricks on us that ultimately lead to heartbreak?

I dated a man several years ago who was undoubtedly the most honest man I have ever known. This guy was in serious serial dater mode. He was constantly on the hunt for new companions on his favorite dating site. He was so ridiculously predictable. He would call me on his way home from work, hang up sweetly when he hit his garage and within a matter of minutes he’d be logged in and surfing the eligible dating pool.

I could track his fishing expeditions, because on line dating sites are set up like that, so every time he logged in I knew what was going on. Every minute that he spent searching was like a battery of continual needle pricks to my heart. It shouldn’t have been though. He explained to me from the onset of our dating that he had recently come out of a long-term relationship where monogamy was part of the equation. He also emphatically told me that he was not interested in going there again. He wanted to date me but he did not want to be exclusive and he did not want to be monogamous. He broadcast his pronouncement loud and clear on his comfy couch following our third date.  He wrapped his arms around me and said, “I like you, but you need to know I am going to date other women. I know this is risky, but it is something I want to do. You can stay with me or not, that is up to you.” That is what he said, but that is not what I heard.

I really liked him so I never voiced my feelings, thoughts or concerns about his ground rules. Just like so many other women I know, I thought I would be able to change him.  I decided in my own mind that in spite of his desire to see other women, eventually I’d win him over and he’d be exclusive to me. I heard “this is a phase, I’ll get over it with time cuz I’ve been monogamous before and you’re just the woman to get me there again.” When we were together he was absolutely present, sincere, loving and attentive.  I imagined that I was the only one in his world, just as I had made him the only one in mine. I wanted to be faithful to him believing to my core that he would in turn feel the same about me. I really started to care for him and was resolved with my intention to win over all the other contenders. In hindsight, I realize my silent mission to make him mine was completely unfair. He had no idea what I was thinking or feeling. And you cannot will a person to be or do anything they are not intent on doing on their own accord.

I distinctly remember that close to the three-month mark, after an incredibly romantic Friday evening, he practically booted me out the door by two the following afternoon. He had ‘other plans’ that evening. I was devastated. How could he want to be with anyone else when it was obvious that we were PERFECT together! It hurt absolutely, but he was being true to his vow of non-monogamy. I went home to sulk, lick my wounds and watch my very own dating drama unfold. I turned on the computer to see when he logged on to his dating site and surfed the other available ladies.

Soon after that incident I gave him that worn out typical girl ultimatum. “Stop seeing other people or stop seeing me”. Interestingly enough he chose to log off the dating site. I thought I’d finally convinced him of my inevitable worth. What I didn’t realize was that his taking himself off the site didn’t mean he was exclusive to me or that he felt committed to our “relationship” in any way. The places I saw us going was all in my head.

A few weeks later he took a road trip with his son. When I called his cell to check in and say “hi” he neither picked up the phone nor returned the call…for days. I kept dialing hoping to connect with him instead I hooked into this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. When he finally did pick up the phone four days later, he was livid. His exact words were, “I told you I didn’t want an exclusive relationship and I don’t want to be obligated to anyone. I do not want to do anything that feels like an exclusive relationship and I did not want to return your call. I’m on vacation.” Wow, that was a sucker punch in the gut. I was devastated and I didn’t understand, I was only expressing concern and care for him. But the truth is – he was right – and I was wrong. He told me from the start where he stood on the relationship/commitment issue and how he saw fit to include me in his life.  I was not willing to hear or accept his honesty.

Had I listened and truly heard his words when he told me his truth at the start, I would have saved myself a lot of hurt and a load of tears. I could have set my own terms and conditions and my own parameters for my exclusivity with him. Maybe the “relationship” would have lasted as long as it did, and maybe not, but I clearly would have been more honest with him and with myself.

Today, I don’t assume or have an expectation. I don’t preplan, predict or premeditate what might be. I live in the here and now. When the time is right, the conversation clear and each person is truly being heard there is a world of possibilities for each.  The by-product of this newfound honesty is the freedom to be our true selves and to have a clear path toward living our lives independently and interdependently.

So, how do you hear the man in your life?