You Had Him at Hello

You’ve found this fab guy on your favorite internet site. After three or four emails back and forth it’s time for that inevitable first phone call. The critical call that leads to the first date…or not. You have to be charming, effervescent and above all captivating. That’s no small order but with a few simple pedestal principle practices it’s not that difficult.

First and most importantly; with an internet guy YOU make the first call. Not only is it safer but it also puts you in control of when and where you have this conversation. Don’t call from a phone that allows your call to be identified. Plus if you make the call you are never caught off guard and you can be mentally prepared.

Before you make the call there are a few things you can do to get yourself ready. Think about the conversation and how you want it to go. What would you like to tell him about yourself? You can talk about your children, if you have any. Or you can chat about your pet, but not obsessively. No matter how you feel about your dog, it’s not a child and most other people won’t construe him as such. It’s a major turn-off. You can talk about your job, especially if you like what you do. If you aren’t happy with your work situation don’t belabor the point, be upbeat and perhaps discuss upcoming opportunities.

What would you like to know about this guy that you haven’t learned in your written correspondences. What’s important to you? Is it sense of humor? Insert a light-hearted jab and see how it goes over. Glib is good. Is he serious or light-hearted does he punch back in the same lighthearted way. What are his likes and dislikes? Ask lots of questions. What’s his passion? Every man has a sport even if it’s armchair quarterbacking. Engage him in a topic he really likes talking about and be interested. Remember this is a passion and a big part of who he is, so if your going to date him it will be a part of your relationship too.

What is most important for him to know about you? You want him to get a sense of your real personality. Don’t fake it. If you’re not you–you’ll never be able to be you and the relationship will ultimately be frustrating for you. If you have a sense of humor let it shine. If you are brilliant and well read spew your wisdom. Do you have great kids…brag about them, but not incessantly. Do you love what you do at work? Talk about how much you like it. Don’t go into detail about how you do it, just how much pleasure you get out of your daily drill. Have you traveled? That’s a great topic of discussion. You may have been to the same places or not…but being worldly is an absolute plus. And if you love sports or even know enough to be dangerous you are golden. The mere fact that I can honestly say I love football is enough to get a guy motivated toward asking for the first date.

Don’t go OB on any one topic. Your conversations should be fluid and easy. Switching topics is no crime, especially if you are asking him a question.

There are several topics you should avoid. Do not talk about your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Any nitty gritty details of the ugly break-up should be taboo. Don’t talk about finances; yours or his, whatever he volunteers is what he wants to share and it’s probably a point of pride. Try to stay in the positive, be upbeat about your life and what’s going on in your life. No one wants to be around a debbie downer. Avoid like the plague politics, religion, and conspiracy theories.

When you are ready to make the call get comfortable, I like to sit in my favorite purple overstuffed chair. Put on your favorite music if that relaxes you, the TV is distracting and you need to focus on the conversation. I like to have my initial date conversations in private. I find a space that is quiet, away from my kids or anyone else in an earshot. Take a deep breath, put your smile on, yes you can hear a smile and place the call.

The first thing you need to do is make sure you’re talking to the right person and immediately identify yourself and on what site the two of you met. Ask him if this is a good time to speak or not, be respectful of his time and circumstances. Then let him launch into the first comment and let it flow from there. Have your arsenal of questions ready so there is no dead air. Make sure your questions are the open-ended variety which are naturally more engaging and require more than simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers.

Be prepared. Have your list of ’safe’ questions at your disposal, so that he can do most of the talking. If you feel like you might forget a question write them down before hand on a stack of 3×4 cards. Give the man time to answer and listen to what he says that way you can comment back or somehow relate it to your own life and situation. See if what he’s saying resonates with you. Give him time to talk, don’t barrage him with your questions without giving something back. This is not a job interview it’s supposed be a give and take conversation…just like a relationship. Remember, he’s as interested in getting to know you as you are interested in knowing about him. Laugh at his jokes. Encourage him. Pepper the conversation with humor. Humor is the saving grace of human discourse.

When you feel the conversation beginning to wind down it’s time to sign off. Tell him how much you enjoyed speaking with him and you have to go. If things have gone as planned he’s already asking you for the date or at least your phone number. You are in the drivers seat and you get to decide whether you want to move things to the next level and give him your number or meet in a mutually agreed to SAFE place.